I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
