i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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