I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I did not marry a roomba.
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