I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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