remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
