Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
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Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
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Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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