I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
