Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
