So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
