a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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