I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
