True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
