I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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