My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
