the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
