i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
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She swung at the pinata with crutches
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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