Tell her she can't have a vagina
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
