Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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