I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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