just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
How naked do you want me to be?
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