There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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