could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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