when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
