Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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