I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
