apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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