Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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