I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
