Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
