My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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