Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
