i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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