Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
