cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
