I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
