He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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