I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
