Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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