I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
