I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
