woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
