The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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