can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
