Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
