it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
