You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
