Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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