The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
