i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize