you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
