He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...