I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks