I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.