So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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