I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
